Christmases, after my parents separated when I was 16, were brutal. My sister, at college, chose not to come home. I’d visit my dad in the mornings, then my mother and I would drive three hours to see her family, with whom we were not close. Only, we’d drive home that night. I never knew whether that was Mom’s choice or we simply hadn’t been invited to stay. Neither scenario would have surprised me.
So I was particularly excited one year when Mom said we were staying home. I may have been among “family” the past few holidays, but since it never felt like it, I was looking forward to Christmas dinner being just Mom and me. We didn’t always get along, but she and I were it.
Or not.
Mom had other ideas. She was renting our basement apartment to a young couple who wanted to host their entire family for Christmas. Mom offered them our kitchen and our dining room, oh, and we were invited. I was a “guest” at someone else’s family holiday dinner in my own home.
I could not get away from the table fast enough, never having felt more alone in my life.
It’s why I came to lean on “found family” tropes my YA novels of choice. Anything with best friends or new groups of friends, or families of friends, anything so I could feel like there was hope of belonging.
The “found family” trope remains a favourite of mine, but I especially loved Michael Gray Bulla’s If I can Give You That (2023). He writes of a trans boy finding friends, finding a boyfriend, finding love amidst his mother’s worsening mental-health condition and the estrangement of his father. I had always focused on the “found” part of “found family”, but Bulla’s book reminded me of the “family” part, too. Not every real-life family situation will resolve into mutual understanding and respect, and it was often easy for me to dismiss those plot twists as too contrived. But Bulla’s protagonist Gael learns not just to lean on his new friends, but also how to become a family with his own parents. Bulla’s writing feels real and relatable; there’s no magic cure for Gael’s struggles, but there’s a recognition of how to rely on both the “found” and the “family” parts of my favourite trope.
It’s a natural development for teens to reach outside of their family, seeking comfort, approval and solace among friends, even with the most caring, supportive parents. Teens are asserting their independence, easing out of the nest, if you will. Obviously this can be rife for conflict—friends, peers, who are going through their own shit, aren’t always the most stable support for a teen—but the intensity with which teen friendships are shaped speaks of their importance nonetheless. During holidays, like Christmas, which are traditionally meant to be for family (as in blood relatives)—not friends—teens, like I was, can feel isolated. But reminding ourselves that found family can also include “real” family, at least to some degree, is important.
Because, in the end, it’s not about whom or how we’re related, but to whom and how we feel connected.