At the start of each new year, I like to sit down with my journal and my tarot cards and think about what my theme for that year is going to be. It doesn’t have to be big or earth-shattering or extraordinary…it’s just a word or phrase that sums up things I want to work on in the new year, areas I want to grow in, fears I want to conquer, or aspects of myself I want to better understand. At the end of each year, I do the same ritual, only instead of setting a theme, I reflect on the theme that’s guided me for the past twelve months.
Since we’re nearing the end of 2023, it’s reflection time, and wow, what a year it’s been. Back in 2022, when my debut YA fantasy novel Reign Returned was published, my theme was “Breaking Through.” I wanted to break through my fears of leaving behind a successful medical practice and financial security, get that book into the world, and begin the process of establishing myself as an author. Being a debut author is a lot of fun, but it’s also incredibly challenging because you don’t know what you don’t know. I welcomed the opportunities that came my way, learned from my mistakes, and headed into 2023 with eyes wide open.
My theme for 2023 was an important, if not particularly fun, one: “Change My Paradigms.” I have always been my own worst enemy. I like routine and predictability and security, and NONE of those things are part of being an author and publishing books. It’s been a massive internal shift to learn to live with uncertainty, with the knowledge that hard work doesn’t automatically equal stellar sales, and that so much of what counts as “success” in my chosen profession is completely out of my hands. I spent much of 2023 in tears, banging my head against a wall, disillusioned with the publishing industry, missing the dependability of a regular paycheck, and wishing I’d been born with a different passion other than sharing stories.
But I also learned so much about myself. I have a better understanding of what fears come from me versus what fears were instilled in me by my family of origin. I faced my weaknesses and the darkest parts of my soul and rather than trying to get rid of them, I started the process of learning to work with them instead of against them. The work is by no means complete and aspects of changing certain paradigms may take me a lifetime to achieve, but forewarned is forearmed and the unknown terrifies me far more than hard work (I’m a Capricorn, after all).
Oddly enough, the words that brought me the most comfort during 2023 didn’t come from a book…they came from a song in a musical episode of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. I shared some of the lyrics on social media a while back, but I think they bear repeating and can be read like a poem (even better, go listen to the song “How Would That Feel” by Christina Chong):
Did I hear that right?
Did she just shine a spotlight
On her innermost feelings
Like it’s no big deal
Say whatever, whenever you like
You’d presume with all my mastery
To pursue flights of fancy—easy
Who am I kidding, I’ve never found that part of me
‘Cause I’m designed
To color inside the lines
Cool and methodical
Way too responsible
I can’t help it
Sometimes I peek through a keyhole
And see people happy
I admit
It might be time
To change my paradigm
If only I
Can let go of the wheel
My fear replaced with total faith
I’m fiercely free and really real
Flying blind…
How would that feel?
The only way to become more comfortable flying blind is by doing it—closing your eyes and going for it. And let me tell you, it’s absolutely terrifying. Doing things you’ve never done in ways you’ve never done them and taking risks and leaps of faith makes my hands shake as I type this. But I wouldn’t trade growth for anything, because I know all too well the consequences of choosing comfortable stagnation over a scary but potentially amazing unknown.
Thank you, 2023, for the lessons learned and the chances to more fully become the person I want to be. It’s never too late, and you’re never too old, too young, too anything to change your own paradigms. And, if you’re curious as to what my theme for 2024 is going to be, I’ll share it in next month’s blog post. Until then, here’s to the words that bring us comfort, that sentence or stanza that makes us feel seen, helps us feel like we belong, and reminds us we’re not alone in our journey.