In the classroom, I was a big believer in seating plans, even in the senior grades. It’s comfortable for kids to form their own packs and live within them, but it’s better to learn interpersonal skills with people outside your own social circle. Additionally, kids who may not have their “pack” in that particular class, or who see themselves as lone wolves (willingly or unwillingly) are offered the opportunity to integrate.
I always mixed up my seating plans, never leaving kids with the same group for more than a few weeks. In my ideal, hopeful world, I wanted to think the students could meet, and maybe befriend people they normally wouldn’t have.
But best laid plans and all… Yes, my good intentions sometimes backfired. One time, two students who’d been side-by-side for about three weeks both audibly sighed with relief when I switched up the seating arrangements.
“What?” I’d asked them, frowning.
It turns out Ryan and Lisa had been a couple; not long before I’d sat them together, they’d broken up. It was a very awkward three weeks for them both.
“Why didn’t you say something?” I asked, apologetic. (Contrary to some people’s thinking, teachers can’t possibly follow all the ins and outs of all student relationships!) “I would have moved you weeks ago!”
They kept their mouths shut, they explained, because they didn’t think I’d take their reason seriously. They were “just” a high school (ex) couple. They thought I’d dismiss their feelings.
I wouldn’t have, though I understood their concern. Adults often dismiss teens’ emotions as trivial or transient. Oh, it’s just a crush. It’s puppy love. It’s not real. The comments may come from an adult’s own experience—perhaps a divorce crushed them more than a high school break up—but it’s wholly unfair to trivialize the feelings of teens.
That’s why I love YA literature. The protagonist is always a teen, and that protagonist always feels something. Deeply. Teens are intense. Research shows that emotional regulation in adolescence is a challenging skill, and teen protagonists embody that challenge in every story.
Take Maggie Stiefvater’s bestselling Wolves of Mercy Falls series. Shiver (2009), Linger (2010), Forever (2011) and Sinner (2014), a complex story about love and friendship among werewolves and humans. (Soon to be turned into a movie!)
Grace, a human and Sam, a werewolf in the winter and human in the summer, fall in love. Their challenges to be together are immense. Life-and-death immense. Maggie Stiefvater’s writing shows the depth of characters, emotions and feelings these teens have, and though it’s a paranormal story, they feel real. How Grace and Sam feel about each other is as profound and true as any love story about adults. It’s a reminder that we can’t—and shouldn’t—judge the intensity or validity of someone’s emotions based solely on age.
Now, that’s not to say you’ll find your true love in high school. You may very well have dated someone about whom you had a fleeting crush and the end of your relationship will not leave you scarred forever.
It’s not about whether you feel the same as Sam and Grace, or even any other YA protagonist. The power of YA stories doesn’t come from sharing the same experiences.
The power comes from validating your own experiences.
Adults should do well to remember that.
Teens feel, and feel deeply. You deserve to have those emotions respected.
I learned my lesson, too. From that moment on, I always asked my students to talk to me if they were uncomfortable with their seating partner. Just in case I accidentally paired them with their ex.
But, I told them, they also had a responsibility. If I ended up seating them next to the person who would become the love of their life and future spouse, they’d have to come back and find me.
No one’s come forward yet, but I’m a romantic optimist. 😊 Married high school sweethearts do exist (including my own in-laws who have been married for more than 50 years!) thus proving that no feelings are too trivial as a teen.
Feel how you feel and know you have every right to feel that way. Then pick up a YA book to know you’re not alone.